bin putting up wif excruciating abdominal pains fer the past 5 hrs.
i have absolutely no fuckin idea what brought em on.
the sausages at breakfast this morn did taste a lil off so thts prolly it.
whatever it is, its preventing me from sitting or standing upright.
i'm all bent over like a crumpled up old hag.
today's just bin ... annoyingly ordinary.
got to sch, assembly, boring lectures, gruelling phys ed, more stupid lects, n one measly tutorial.
thts monday's drill fer you, short n sweet.
it hit me during lecture today tht perhaps i'm better off elsewhere.
okayy mainly cos i got demoralised to a pulp after bein made famous as a failure.
the big fat zero flashing in front of my eyes wuz sorta a wake up call.
maybe i'm better off in poly.
maybe i'm better off dead.
bin harbouring conflicting emotions regarding certain individuals lately.
you noe how sometimes you just shun the company of some pple, tho you haf nuthg against em whatsoever.
its hard to explain but there are times when yer level of tolerance is barely maintaing its position in the comfort zone
and the slightest irritation wld surely trigger an onslaught of pms extravaganza.
well thts how its bin lately.
yin & yang imbalance of sorts.
*you noe what i'm talkin bout rite ?
very thankful tht i'm not the only one.
agent provocateur.
HA.
a far cry from anythg even faintly resembling tht.
pudgy. sleep-deprived.
my hands lk like tht of a leper's.
have got to kick tht awful habit of peeling my corns (um is tht how its spelt)
magnificent results of having to write a minimum of 3 essays a week.
senseless, pointless assignments tht honestly dont do very much fer me apart from makin my hands uglier than they alreadie are.
gonna make a trip down to the salvation army thrift store this weekend.
its ridiculous tht having entertained the idea fer over a yr,
i still have yet to step into the goddamn place.
no more wasting my saturday afternoons away.
"studying" is no longer on my agenda.
s'pore is undoubtedly a hardcore shopper's hellhole.
you often find yerself walkin arnd fer hrs invading shops only to find tht theres nuthg worth spending yer precious moolah on.
after much endless back-breaking journeys to various stores & achin feet, you find you're still carrying as much as you did when you left the hse.
zero accomplishments after clocking approximately 4 hrs ?
then finally, just before you give up, a mirage of hope lingers before yer very eyes.
is tht a funky skirt you see on display in zara's showcase ?
you charge towards the store deliriously to make the long-anticipated purchase.
yer satisfaction lasts fer abt 3 mins after havin bought the goddamn thing,
when you suddenly realise tht abt 6542102134525412563 other gurls happen to own the same skirt.
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd n twat.
urgh.
its best not to stay hopeful.
still feeling distinctly ambivalent towards the entire affair.
i've long suffered from the "never-knowing-what-i-want" syndrome.
a genuine desire fer solitude
or a silent & bitter protest towards bein a societal outcast.
*Little hellions, kids feeling rebellious
i've got this terrible habit of expecting pple to be able to read my mind all the time.
and i realised i take centuries just to put my thots into words.
its happened all too often tht i give up trying to express myself to pple i've already confused enough.
i'm quite aware of the perplexity i bring about.
thts perhaps the sole n most valid reason as to whye i think no one understands me.
so in conclusion, i'm the cause of my own escalating frustrations.
sometimes its best to carry on pretending like you dont give a fuck bout anythg.
some things are irreversible.
if you wanna get yerself stuck in a time warp from hell, thts yer own goddamn problem.
and thts what i've bin telling myself
so there.
i'm still amazed and slightly incredulous.
i'll nv see what it is you see.
i tried so hard to wash away the obvious &
shut down
and its hard to watch the windows bleed
for several reasons ive concevied
and all the while the air i breathe
is polluted by a psyhcic dream
its all compressed so easily
we're all depressed so easily
its just bin endless nothings.
plagued wif cursed weather n close to melting.
the tanorexic has reached her limit.
taking the bus home has become a fuckin hassle,
despite it being a mere 5 min ride home.
blood. rage. agony. tenacity.
i'll nv comprehend the distinct segregation.
its as tho the integration of "outsiders" wld corrupt yer lil utopia.
pure selfishness in its highest form.
complete indifference to the feelings of others.
well what can i say.
fuck it ?
role reversals.
severe deterioration.
warped minds n words of venom.
where does the immense fascination come from ?
doesnt tk much to get a bunch of halfwits excited.
distortion of facts n a coupla loose lips can go a long way.
literally.
similarly to practically everythg else, ya just gotta learn to get used to it.
the "daily struggle" has become harder to bear.
a desperate attempt tht i predict will end in desolation.
pointless & meaningless.
clearly an extravagant pursuit.
time wastage has always bin my forte.
having spent the last 72hrs indulging in hardcore slacking,
all i've got to show fer all this time spent couped up at home is
a throbbing headache, fever n a throat thts sore as hell.
aight enough of wallowing in self pity, lets get rollin.
all this stoning is getting me nowhere.
read a coupla pages of The Virgin Suicides last nite
n got majorly inspired by the whole slit wrists n submerge self into warm bath scene.
perhaps ideal as a last resort.
somewhat artistic yet simultaneously intensely morbid.
i likey :)
seeing past the scars n irrepairable damage done
my conclusive take on trust is tht its sumthg i find impossible to embrace completely.
theres always tht lil allowance made fer betrayal n deceit.
emotional blackmail n whatever else aside.
past experiences have left me guarded n certainly more cautious.
as you can tell, theres virtually no link btw all this senseless rambling.
some say music is food fer the soul.
if so, my soul's bin overfed n close to barfing.
bin listening to hoobastank's reason over n over again, soon i'm gonna start hating it.
same goes fer thrice's the artist in the ambulance and steadman's carried.
its annoying how some songs hold immense sentimental value.
some things we wish not to be reminded of yeah.
aight these outpourings must end somewhere.
just a lil note to vic sab vern & jin : i miss you as fer grace, i'll be seein ya in a coupla mins chicka ;)
and so i hafta say before i go, tht i just want you to know, i've found a reason fer me to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you.
[ mar: "then my fats will like tk on a life of its own n start vibratinggg." ] says:
hahahahaha fuck man
[ mar: "then my fats will like tk on a life of its own n start vibratinggg." ] says:
i cant stop laughing
[ mar: "then my fats will like tk on a life of its own n start vibratinggg." ] says:
i imagine ur fats jiggling... hahahahah
`_my salsa makes all the pretty gurls wanna dance n tk off their underpants says:
NABEI CHEEBYE
alrite here goes.
yet another blah day gone by.
i've got the jackass theme playing on repeat in my mind. sorta makes the prankster in me wanna
lash out n wreak havoc. heh fat chance of tht happening rite now considering i'm smashed to a pulp.
all this lethargy is really the result of nuthg strenuous, possibly just a sign tht, contrary to what many may think,
pple actually really start aging at the age of 18.
in comparison wif last yr, i'm really much more tired this yr.
am lacking the energy to spend extensive amounts of time wif big grps or even havin one-to-one outings.
such is life (or mine at least).
its my best friend's birthday today.
n yet i'm stuck at home, resigned to my fate as the very grounded daughter of very peeved parents.
sorry fer the pathetic cake gracie, but i've bin denied my allowance.
realise i cld only afford 2 eggtarts in sch all day haha.
clearly inadequate to satisfy my monstrous appetite.
but anyhows, what i'd really like to apologise fer is my not bein able to join you n the rest of the bitches fer the lil celebration.
hope the hug n the cake wuz substantial.
anyhow, i just wanna say i love ya my skinny bamboo-ish stick insect, crazy/beautiful motormouth, hyp3ractive lil crescent moon (a full moon's just too big to describe you).
now tht yer legally able to indulge in all things naughty n nice, lets go crazy ! -wink-
heh okayy, tht aside, lets get down to some serious muggin (urgh) aight ?
triple As n nuthg less darl.
ok my fingers r protesting.
i'm outta here.
*my salsa makes all the pretty gurls wanna dance n tk off their underpants
gloomy sundays nv fail to set off the manic depressive side of me.
rite now i'm at the tip of the iceberg.
bin thinkin a lot bout just droppin everythg n becomin a hermit.
not sure of the effectiveness of sucha drastic transformation,
but it sure beats what i have now.
i think i wish all too often to be where i'm not.
images of honolulu r flashin in my mind.
melanoma n all tht jazz, who gives a fuck.
a stark contrast to this "garden city", the "sunny island - singapore".
rite. bullshit if u ask me.
feelg a lil more jaded than usual these days.
turning my thots to experimentg wif things i used to hold in low regard.
one day i'm just gonna snap n all thts holding me back aint gonna help much.
wuz at the pet safari in simei today n i came this - - close to stealing a rabbit.
i mean, its just a stinkin rabbit rite ?
wuz so tempted to shove it down the front of my shirt
n walk outta the store pretending tht havin a third boob's a sorta normalcy.
then outta nowhere, i suddenly realised -
what the hell'm i gonna do wif a rabbit ?
all the exhiliration dissipated n turned into this feeling of weirdness thts beyond description.
i clearly suffer from some kinda disease tht lacks representation of a clinical term.
either tht or i just dont noe what its called.
sometimes i think i'm too emotionally difficult to handle.
oh well ...
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, cant stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone.
if i dont wanna talk abt it, then i dont wanna talk abt it. period.
ptm today fried the shit outta me.
or so i thot.
the folks r a lil miffed but there aint no outbreak of violence or verbal abuse yet
so i s'pose everythg's cool fer now.
fer now, yeah.
i'm sucha pansy ass chicken shit.
but there're more things at stake than meets the eye.
putting an innocent child into this fucked up education system is probably the most heinous crime
my parents ever committed.
hmm sometimes i think and ponder.
how life would be for the six of us ten years later?
i can see grace, still as skinny as ever.
dressed in black demin jeans wit a tiny sweater,
entertaining us wit her silly antics
and we laugh heartily while time ticks.
vic is so busy wit business, no?
that she cant even make time for a cappuchino.
she smiles at me wearily
as if saying she misses us terribly.
then we see mar approaching
and the cafe has got the guys all drooling.
flooded wit saliva up to my knee,
i decide that we should just leave.
jin never fails to forget things every now and then
so she ended up nowhere near the arranged street number ten.
we stood and waited for her at the road
only to find her bring her new pet mr TOAD.
sab and i groaned as we needed a smoke
she's kicking the habit cos she said she was broke.
its strange how lawyers claim that they're poor
when you always see them decked in silver glamour.
last but not least,
vern who wrote this
has words to offer her girlfriends above
the friendships go on and so does our love :D