*i have more highs than lows,
and we cld add them up but
we'd be runnin outta fingers and toes.
smashed. shagged. burnt out. whatever u wanna call it.
i'm tired as hell.
todayy dint go quite as badly as i'd expected.
turned a blind eye to all the things tht'd make me cringe.
except fer one thing tht wuz blisteringly noticeable.
cant help but recoil.
seating positions shld always be wisely chosen to avoid such dreadful circumstances.
how do u preserve a friendship when time spent tog is regretfully limited ?
i dont wanna lose anyone.
*mental note : stop bein so fuckin dependent.
things r definitely wayy weird.
cant seem to put my finger on it.
neither can anyone else, obviously.
amusing yet it causes an unnecessary amount of distress.
wish i cld jez block the negative thots outta my head.
but they jez keep flashin in my mind.
instinctively, i choose isolation as my only remedy.
the competitive streak in all of u shld really burn out.
tis not the time to inquire abt things tht r really none of yer business.
we've got our lil circle of trust, & it wld help heaps fer u to stick yer nose elsewhere.
pple r in the midst of uncertainty & exactly wad gd wld the extra info do u ?
insensitivity yet again.
if yer very satisfied wif yerself rite now, it wld be greatly appreciated if u dint gloat in our faces.
rubbin it in is a fuckin sin.
*break her heart & i'll break yer neck.
i feel so uneasy in yer presence.
its strange tht we jez cant seem to connect.
it perturbs me somehow.
cld it be tht yer tryin to avoid being in my presence the very same way i endeavour to wriggle my way outta havin to spend time wif u ?
perhaps some frontin is goin on.
a sense of awkwardness & definitely loadsa peculiar vibes in the vicinity.
i cld be lookin at u, listenin as u ramble & laughin as u kid arnd.
but inside, i feel a million miles away.
very weird tht it shld trouble me.
nv cared much fer acquaintences but deres sumthg abt u tht penetrates my peace of mind.
*dont blame guys fer bein unable to understand gurls.
i dont understand em myself.
glad the conflict's over.
but then, theres always some new trauma tht replaces the one before it.
cant seem to lift myself outta the pit of worries.
bin stoning/daydreamin a lot more than i usually do.
(which is a helluva lot)
so many things i dont want to happen, yet it seems inevitable.
she's my bridge btw 2 very different worlds.
shes tht lighthse in the distance tht yer so relieved to catch sight of when bein thrusted arnd in stormy seas.
shes got a million dollar smile tht lights u up like a megawatt lightbulb.
shes one in a million.
where else wld i ever find another companion like her ?
shes the zany crazy lil party gurl.
shes got a gazillion emotions & sometimes, they merge & come tog all at once.
shes the definition of crazy/beautiful (mad in a very awesome way)
shes got the mind of a very complicated person, and all i wanna do is spend the rest of my life tryin to figure her out.
who cld possibly replace someone like tht ?
shes tht dainty/genteel/uptight lil princess.
shes always got it goin fer her, & when the goin gets tough, she sure as hell gets goin.
shes got tht typical gurlie gurl aura tht brings out the gurly lil side of me.
shes got the answers to everythg i've ever needed the answers to.
i pray fer tht final barrier to be crossed. u'll be fine sweets.
i hope my moonie's gonna be alrite.
y'noe i'm always here if u wanna study partner.
be more than willing to crash wif u during this crucial period.
we both noe yer an intelligent and bright lil toothpick.
and best of all, yer doin wotcha do best.
tht shld give u some sorta advantage over everyone else.
the gift of the gab.
jez transfer it into writing & coat it wif the amount of studyin u've done.
c'mon babe, y'noe wad it takes, and i noe theres no need fer me to nag.
yer brilliant, dont ever think otherwise (i noe ya dont ya lil ego bag -winks-)
pls dont lemme down aight ?
i cant go on in tht hellhole if ya aint there to hold my hand & get thru the yr ahead wif me.
sometimes i fail to see the big picture presented rite smack in fronta me.
this is crazy.
but i find myself thinkin abt all the bad things, simultaneously eradicating all the gd.
history's repeatg itself once again.
God noes i detest history.
(now tht its the only subject i hafta try so fuckin hard to pass)
no one really noes.
everyone jez thinks they do.
i'm gonna be patient. tolerate all this shite.
and then,
i'm gonna have the last laugh.
fuck tht. i'm alreadie laughin at all u lil pple.
had some really inspirational talk at sch today.
by some guy (adam khoo), bout how he made his furst million at the age of 26.
he's currently runnin 3 businesses & accumulatg a humongous amount of passive income every min of everyday.
hell, he cld be sittin on his toilet bowl everyday doin zilch, and he'd still be makin trillions of dollars.
fuckin annoyin lahh all these lucky wealthy bastards.
arrogant lil money-faced prick.
but i gotta admit, wad he said today has transformed my entire outlook.
very useful tips. valuable advice. best of all, the talk wuznt all tht boring.
(wuz feelin damn zoinked but somehow, he managed to keep me awake).
but i'm still not gonna spend a single cent attendin any one of his seminars.
i mean, thts exactly how he's gettg richer & richer by the day !
he's squeezin truckloadsa cash outta us innocent/vulnerable/naive lil kids.
besides, who needs ta pay to listen to shit we already noe ?
aight sorry fer the dissin.
but the whole sales approach ticked me off a bit.
felt cheated at the end, cos it seemed it wuz all some kinda sales pitch tht wuz s'posed to deliberately get us to go fer his seminar so he cld make more money.
*u free yer mind in yer androgyny.
the masochist gnarled at 10/30/2003 10:35:00 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
*tht blinding glare in the distance calls out to me.
finally let the cat outta the bag yeah.
tragic aint it.
funny how i'm unfazed by it all.
strange changes seem to have sent a coupla beaks quackin.
wanna noe wad it feels like
all alone in tht cell
its like drownin and strugglin
at the bottom of a well.
consumed by the darkness
gasping fer air
no one really noes
wad its like to be in there.
*my universe a leaky bubble.
my train of logical thot keeps getting interrupted by silent cries fer help.
trust me, tht feeling of helplessness and failure is certainly familiar to me.
this "torture chamber" atmosphere will be sustained by the merciless nature of those in power.
inspiration and hope is everywhere.
widen yer sockets a lil and tk a lk arnd.
when u think yer worries are unbearable, think abt those in a worse off position.
at the same time, i'll keep tellin myself tht as well.
my measly lil problems r nuthg compared to those of everyone arnd me.
its time we all stopped griping yeahh.
the mere thot of it compels me to stab myself.
my pillars of hope. crumbling.
everythg's unstable & on the verge of collapsing.
utilizing one more year of yer life fer the exact same purpose is better than giving up completely.
everyone's got some kinda "Plan B" behind the scene.
dont pursue tht alternative unless u noe fer sure tht u'd benefit frm it aight ?
otherwise, it wld only accumulate more and more wastages.
i abhor the role i've bin handed.
jez as some sorta spectator.
helpless to do anythg tht cld possibly ease the situation.
all i'm left wif is the task of hoping/praying/wishing.
monotonous.
i'm walkin arnd like the living dead.
lectures put me to slp faster than slpg pills. really gd ones.
lessons are sucha drag.
even attendg sch is pointless.
if not fer bein able to see the perioders, i'd much rather stay hm and mope.
wish i cld jez blend into the surroundgs.
sometimes i feel my presence brings more misery than anythg else.
and God noes how much we dont need tht rite now.
*all alone in my jaded lil world.
yeah solitude's gd.
i'll keep tellin myself tht.
a lil breathg space goes a long long way.
sometimes it goes so far beyond the boundaries tht it nv turns back.
i'm becomin too pre-occupied wif my lil puddles of dread.
i fear neglect and hence i combat tht wif neglectg others.
how bloody ironic eh ?
wish i cld divide myself into tiny lil pieces and distribute each puny bit to everyone who needs me.
strangely, all i want is to be alone rite now.
but my biggest fear is to be alone in the yr to come.
wad cld i possibly do to conquer these nauseating feelings ?
my mind cant help but wander.
and in the process, it stumbles upon forbidden territories.
its so hard to tear myself away.
tht encounter keeps replayin over and over again in my mind.
short & sweet. yet it leaves an impression on me tht cant be erased.
*punk kid tryin ta be hard core.
the masochist gnarled at 10/29/2003 09:15:00 PM
If this life
Gets any harder now
It ain't no nevermind
You got me by your side
And anytime you want
Yeah we can catch a train
And find a better place
Yeah, cuz we won't let nothin'
or no one keep gettin' us down
maybe you and I
Can pack our bags and hit the sky
And fly away from here
Anywhere
Yeah, I don't care
We'll just fly away from here our hopes and dreams
Are out there somewhere
Won't let time pass us by
We'll just fly
::aerosmith::
the masochist gnarled at 10/29/2003 08:15:00 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
*wish this fixation wld jez go away
everyone's basically very flabbergasted.
trauma surrounds me & i cant help but feel desolate.
gettg promoted jez doesnt seem to hold the same amt of relief & elation it did before.
wad incentive is there now tht the greatest part of bein in jc begins to dwindle away.
amidst all the desperation/confusion/disappointment, i jez hope i'll be able to offer solace to those in need.
an enormous chunk of my happiness is being corroded away by the potential departures as well as the definite ones.
a prosaic life awaits me in the new year ahead.
i wonder if every single one of u knows jez how precious u are to me.
even those who more or less are like strangers to me.
wish i'd made efforts to bond much earlierr.
the prospective changes tht we suspect will come abt gives me butterflies in my tummy.
no, not in a gd wayy.
my attempts to remain calm/nonchalant jez dont seem to be doin so well.
overwhelmed by all the emotions & worrysome thots tht are channelled into my mind.
i jez think i'm so fuckin unfortunate. ironic as tht may be.
all tht glitters is not gold.
dont believe everythg u hear.
teachers lie. acquaintences lie. even yer dearest truest friends have potential to lie.
everyone's tempted to conceal the truth fer their own selfish gains.
be it to benefit themselves or to save their own pathetic skins.
and as fer teachers, they jez wanna scare the livin daylights outta ya.
bloody cheap thrills.
jez listening to facts bein distorted and various untruths jez makes me sick to my stomache.
the fact tht the most ridiculous things cld even haf bin churned out.
have pple nuthg better to do ?
tk it from me everyone, start reading :)
*moonstruck
these days, all we do is roam arnd aimlessly.
theres jez no drive/motivation to do anythg worthwhile.
pauline chua's lil tirade durin lit today startled me immensely.
jolted my conscience into proper functioning order once again as well.
dont tk the devoted/dedicated ones fer granted.
they genuinely want u to excel & are prolly tryin the best they can to lay the kinda foundation u need to do so.
furthermore, u nv noe when yer gonna need em to put in a gd word fer u.
all this is jez so tiresome.
the constant worrying, the dilemma, the depression.
i'm tryin to be practical, but at this pt in time, emotions have gotten the best of me as usual.
*tied down by the ol' ball and chain.
its got nuthg to do wif romantic issues.
i jez tk great pleasure in having my own time to pursue my own enjoyments.
selfish as it may seem,
wldnt it be far worse if i were to neglect anyone in the course of my pursuit ?
since then, i've had time to read the papers, indulge in gd books, cook, tk up yoga, exercise, and much much more.
its the freedom of bein able to unwind while simultaneously enjoying the solitude tht i've missed.
a lil gurlish humour/gurl talk/gurls' nite out/whatever.
makes life all the more worthwhile.
*no one shld needa to go gallavantg in search fer love in order to find it.
why do they keep comin back to haunt me ?
its not their return tht bothers me the most.
but more of yer reaction to it & the flak i hafta get.
tit for tat. tat for tit.
its a bloody circus goin on here.
i dont appreciate the domineering stronghold u have on my life.
my hands are tied.
narrow-mindedness has gotten the better of u once again.
it always has. and this is how it always will be.
perhaps it'd tk u forever to understand tht.
i havent got forever to give.
so many things i had wanted to do.
all the plans. the long, endless list of activities.
the hopes. the dreams.
ahhh screw em.
lets be reckless adventurers, shall we ?
life's short and i dont wanna die a boring person.
*i'd like to think tht not all hope is lost.
i'd like fer u to think tht too.
:)
the masochist gnarled at 10/28/2003 10:14:00 PM
Monday, October 27, 2003
the masochist gnarled at 10/27/2003 08:52:00 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
| Enneagram Test Results
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 1w9 |
the masochist gnarled at 10/26/2003 09:09:00 PM
Conscious self | Overall self |
 |  |
the masochist gnarled at 10/26/2003 09:09:00 PM
*slimefesttt 2003
aights where shall i begin ?
fridayyy turneddd out not quite as i had expectedd.
xiaohui told me i'd regret goinnn,
and i think i do, but not in the same way she implied.
then again, fer the earlier part of the nite, it wuz fun :)
till my loveliess all scurried homeee leavin me & charr.
yeppersss.
dancedd the nite awayy wif sabyy most of the time.
tht gurl's "murder on the dancefloor" man.
hahahas okayy okayy maybe not.
she's definitely the hottest grindg partner ever.
*real glad i bumped into ya darlin.
u brought the party to life fer me.
hmmm talk abt disappointments.
pple arent always wad u think theyy are.
some of em, better fronters than others.
rumours - jez gossip bein circulatedd, spreading like bush fire.
lets jez hope thts all tht they are and tht they dont hold any truth.
i've alreadie heard frm more than 1 source and its startg to get fuckin unnerving.
apart from tht matter, my encounter on friday wuz yet another disappointment.
after all this time, it finally happens.
and we're faced wif some drunken mishap.
like thane said, bein high is jez not an excuse.
doesnt mean shit and it doesnt give u the rite to do shit u wldnt usually do if u were sober.
lets jez wait and see wad happens on mondayyy.
not quite dreadin it, but more of curious.
oh well ... curiosity killed the cat.
luckily i'm jez a pink panther ..................................... rite.
funny how more than 1 person cldve seen sumthg tht dint even fuckin happen.
bloody pushovers who see whatever their friends see.
or "SEE".
its so preposterous. i dont even noe where to begin.
yet again, i'm more of disappointed than pissed.
its fucked up tht i hafta be in such despair over sumthg tht dint even happen.
annoying how lies can snowball into sumthg so incredibly fake.
how do things get blown outta fuckin proportion like tht ?
this time, i've heard it all.
you believe whatever u wanna believe aight ?
wad cld i possibly say in my defense ?
apart frm the fact tht i've SWORN and i wldnt be this serious if it actually wuz true.
if u even knew me well enough, the truth shld be screamin in yer face rite abt now.
lies and deceit.
they fuckin rock my world.
rockin it so hard its startg to shatter and turn to dust.
none of the pieces fall into place anymore.
to end it all wld be the wisest solution.
*friendster depresses me once again.
you turn my insides to mush.
things are obviously different now.
i jez wish we cld make ammends.
whatever happend to tht mutual trust thingy we used to have ?
doesnt seem to be the same wif you.
i'm sure u've started to sense it too.
a sense of dread's loomin above us, like we're stuck in stormy weather tht we jez cant seem to find shelter to.
*i'm startgg to wonder if ...........
slime schlime blimeyyy
gross, man.
i'm well aware of the cons of goin out partyin.
and i feel i'm fully responsible fer wadever happens to myself.
and so, after minutes of contemplation,
i've decided tht, things are wad u let em become.
next time i'll sit in the corner like a reject.
nahhh. i'm exaggeratg.
'least now i noe wad i shld so in the future.
i still wldnt give up clubbin fer anyone.
nv did.
nv will.
aight and since its my own bloody problem, i'll stop whining.
the solitude's beginning to get the better of me.
sometimes u can be surrounded by tons of pple
and yet still feel so very alone.
its always the most unlikely ones who'll be there.
and the most unlikely ones who'd turn their backs on you and strut off.
am i jez too complicated ?
things nv turn out fer me the way they do fer everyone else.
either it hits like a plague.
or its as tho yer the only person left in an evacuated country.
(heh "28 days ltr" - bloody awesome)
cant wait till mondayy tho it cld be disastrous in many aspects.
not sure if results are due mondayyy (bro paul says midweek or end of the week but rumour has it tht its comin out on mondayyy -bet its jez a hoax as usual).
i've missed cherms, fio and pretty much the rest of the class.
wormy >> hope yer virgin attempt at clubbin wuznt too traumatic :)
fuck man i'm startg to freak abt results.
aight thts all i'm gonna say abt it.
URGH.
-hugs gil-
hope yer form tchr's lyin.
ayyyy s'posed to go teach someone maths todayy.
best.
speaking of disappointments.
i think i'm the biggest disappointment.
*sorry chipmonk.
i feel like shit (cos i'm sick and cos i cancelled last minute).
see u tmrrr yeahhh. will msg u frm sch to tell ya wad time i end.
*theres nothing left of me.
the masochist gnarled at 10/26/2003 01:23:00 PM
damnnnnn i'm bloodyyyy exhaustedd..
jez arrived home.
my feet are achinn to the fuckin core.
had a nice walkabout wif cindx, thane & smelllyyy.
whoaaa. i dont noe wad to sayy man.
fuckin tireddddd.
to be continueddd ...
the masochist gnarled at 10/26/2003 04:18:00 AM
Friday, October 24, 2003
*cant see the evening star frm my window, but i noe fer sure its out there somewhere.
its as tho i'm bein hexed in a way. all the mishaps tht seem to have dawned on me. no one really noes wads goin on in this head of mine.
we're all s'posed to be relaxin durin the day so tht we'll be hyperactive party beasts ltr in the nite. a lil ecstatic abt my virgin visit to SOS :) frm the stories told to me by cindx & char, it seemed to have bin a real blast. hopefully, tonite wld be a repeat experience fer em. no slimin i hope. i've vowed to be a gd gurl *winks* a couple of em are gonna be leavin early tonite. either due to training the next morn or alternative reasons involving parental units. cant decide if i shld stay put when they've left or swing over to monks or sumthg. hmmm decisions decisions. i hate.
lets jez brand last nite as the biggest disaster ever. guess my attempts to make things better were to no avail. an apology frm me to all the victims involved. evidence tht i shld NV ever organise stuff. even lil pathetic impromptu outings like tht of last nite.
it seems impossible to come to some sort of compromise/agreement. no one's ever satisfied. and bein stuck in the middle is definitely not the best place to be. feels like all the walls are closin in on me. nuthg u do cld ever make it rite. and nuthg i do is ever rite. how is it tht i can nv seem to provide u wif a restrained and cool-headed response. yer allegations appal me, the accusations are wayy outta whack. and thts wad makes it unbearable. yer over-suspicious attitude towards everythg. there wuz no trust at all. ever since the very beginning. u shld noe whye.
*never forget.
i dont wanna hurt anymore.
dont wanna cause pain to myself.
and most impt of all, i dont wanna put u thru wad i'm capable of causing.
she's miles away. we're time zones apart. yet the very sound of her name sends shivers down my spine. she exists in the anatomy of those arnd me. they're nuthg but puppets manipulated by her to hurl me into the pits of distress. its bin so long. some pple jez cant seem to let go & admit defeat. the anguish may be insufferable. but it greatly arouses my curiosity as to how someone like you can be sucked into the lies and deceit. takin others' words over mine. i've obviously lost you somewhere along the way.
shall not dampen my spirits any further wif regards to the nite ahead. i've got an elmo and a sharkon their way over to my pad :) bet they're gonna raid the fridge & send the staff into a frenzy. hungry lil ones indeed. lets bring the hse down tonite aight. we're gonna rock the party so ya'll watch out ! hehs.
the masochist gnarled at 10/24/2003 04:56:00 PM
Let's take a walk into the sky
Conversing with the stars to fathom why
They're not afraid to burn
To lose themselves while turning into light
If we were Lovers
Like we were meant to be
Open arms, broken hearts
All the world to see
If we were Lovers
Loving like we say
Oh the ghosts of doubt
Would crash and burn away
If we were Lovers
The obvious
Will be implied
From the simple implications of our lives
If we don't get it right
I guess they're gonna wait a long, long time
An extraordinary Love
offers heal for hurt and kind for cruelty
Words are not enough
Revolution might begin with you and me
If we were Lovers
Then we would Love
the masochist gnarled at 10/24/2003 04:52:00 PM
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
*special ? guess not.
my mind's a total blank.
its like when its so saturated tht everythg jez merges into one enormous blur mess. so maybe its not blank after all. its jez blurry. foggy. whatever.
wad do i want ? the answer's obviously inaccessible to me.
today wuz pure torture.
havin to endure 2hrs of chinese wif tht ogre.
another 1.5hrs of PW.
2.5hrs of tht civil defence talk.
perfect eh ?
best part - triple C werent in sch.
jez lovely.
in other words, there wuz jez no reason fer me to smile.
had to resort to really RETARDED means to entertain myself.
sorta fiddle wif the gullible & vulnerable nature of the "innocent" fionasaurus.
-grins-
silly gurl.
funny how lil things affect my overall mood.
i've grown to love my cca so much, i've even gone and bought myself a pair of bloody vb shoes.
grrrrs. am i an idiot or am i an idiot ?
jez realised only 3 other "smart" pple on the team purchased em as well. sigh.
the future is bleak.
wad wif the new coach and my bad rep wif the bloody bitch.
i shall strive to prove my dedication. (sounds loony dont it ?)
its fucks me up real bad to see her pick on gillian.
how bloody long do u want her skirt to be when her legs are so long ?!
waste less time on trivial matters & work on losin some weight lah.
hmmm.
pretty much overcome wif a sense of remorse.
fer lettg things deteriorate to the state it currently is in.
i cant help but feel its partially my fault.
after all, it tks 2 hands to clap.
jez wish revelations cld be made a lil sooner.
guess i've jez gotta understand tht trust isnt sumthg u give away easily.
as DUH as tht sounds.
i'm jez slightly disappointed at the delay.
sighh. wads there to be done now ?
*clueless.
i think, once again, i've fucked up in making decisions.
the way things are now are leavin me feelin a lil queasy.
i dont even noe how to put it into words.
rite now, it seems tht theres jez no turning back.
or is there ?
some pple are way too confident of their own worth.
sorta like iago.
or maybe i'm jez catty abt it.
some things r jez too far-fetched fer me to believe.
*wish u'd all stop comin along and rockin my boat.
sometimes i wonder, how many of u actually noe me.
judging frm some testimonials, there really isnt much to me.
seriously, if u dont noe me at all, dont bother writing me one aight ?
theres jez no point.
its a testimonial. not a description of wad u see on the surface.
bahhhh.
disappointg, yet thot-provoking as well.
maybe i'm jez in denial.
sometimes i feel so invisible.
its as tho my presence has no impact on anyone.
jez another wallflower.
some things are jez so nauseating to watch.
trust me, i'll nv understand it myself.
*i wish you knew me better than tht.
the masochist gnarled at 10/22/2003 11:29:00 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003
*sometimes i wonder if i've blabbered too much again.
today started off horrifically.
nv bin in so much pain my entire life.
( i think)
wuz so happy when i caught sight of char's sweater lyin on the
bench inside the toilet today.
the sense of relief wuz overwhelmg
to noe tht she wuz in tht same toilet wif me.
someone i knew who wldnt cringe at the sight of me.
:) heh well at least not cringe and run away lah.
*u definitely made me feel a WHOLE lot better darl.
think i've uttered my gratitude & thanks on msn alreadie.
i'm jez glad tht u were there.
hmmm another heart-warming event.
someone's friendly gesture & show of concern today
really touched my heart in a way.
she always seemed pretty arrogant,
and frankly, i dint really haf a gd impression of her.
but when she gave me advice afta noticg the situation i wuz in,
i wuz taken aback. then following tht, very thankful.
*not all hope's lost in this world.
the most unlikely ones are usually the ones who dont turn their back on u.
there're so many things i've gotta think thru rite now.
its bin so long and i've finally plucked up the courage to jez let go.
trust me, its no simple feat.
*too many all at once.
how do i react ?
a couple of revelations made recently haf left me completely perplexed.
feels nice bein civilised again.
cordial relations dont mean tht all's bin recovered tho.
lets tk things a baby step at a time aight.
char/cherms/vickerrs/gillian/cindx/fio ----
thanks loads fer makin me feel better today.
wuz really feelin totally fucked.
i noe i wuz a ghastly sight.
but ya guys hardly made me feel tht way at all.
i feel sorry fer everyone who had to lk at me today tho.
hahaha.
urghs SUNSCREEN everyone !
life's disintegratg.
(or maybe in my case, peeling)
then again, i dont feel all tht hopeless.
its tht lil bit of sumthg everyday tht keeps me goin.
tht injection of love/care/laughter.
boosts morales & keeps me goin.
feels nice clearin stuff up wif pple.
well not all such endeavours have emerged very successful.
but in some cases, they were really enlighteng.
and i feel a lot better clearin up the past, really.
providing valid explanations fer my past actions to those u deserve it
has also helped in liftg a huge weight off my shoulders.
i feel like sucha fool fer alotta things tht i did.
or didnt do.
arghs whye cant i jez stay put.
*cherms >> i love the beach.
if u ever wanna go, i'd love to go wif u.
its the perfect place to go jez to sit and think.
i'd gladly drop all previous engagements and flee wif u to the seaside !
heh all ya hafta do is ask.
aight this is sucha nonsensical entry.
my thots are pretty much scattered all over the place.
wish i cld jez get my act tog. and start anew.
the masochist gnarled at 10/20/2003 10:50:00 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
*I did no more than find a friend, and all the world's malice came rushing in.
i've got a character from sesame street catchin her forty winks in the room nextdoor. everyone's obviously still aslp cos its a sunday while i wuz up since 9am. thts wotcha get fer stayin hm on a saturday when i cldve bin out wreakin havoc in the streets. rather fulfilling actually. fer once in eons, i wuz in bed by 11pm with Philip Roth's "The Human Stain" in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other. not a worry in the world cld permeate the tranquility of my state of mind at tht very moment. its a bloody gd book too, i must add. havent felt this way since god noes how long. a short phone call frm someone close to my heart in the wee hrs of the nite brought abt some reminiscence & warmth. traipsing thru the malls earlier in the day had left me completely whacked & irascible so it wuz relieving to get some time alone fer the rest of the nite. fer now, i'm still lamenting over the ghastly after-effects of tht seemingly fun tanning spree. disfiguration & damage. wont deny tht it brought alotta euphoria and such, but the consequences worry me immensely.
its really up to you alone to be either embittered or enlightened by the entire incident. rite now, i can safely declare tht i'm numbed by it all and i'm not gonna give two hoots abt the issue. its fuckin draining, seriously. same goes fer all the other chaotic events i've let loose in opening pandora's box. u can either be left lacerated & scarred by the inflictions of the verbal attacks, wave the white flag, or walk away in all neutrality.
aight solemness aside. halloween's comin up the wk after next. i'd really like to see plans actually fall thru & not crumble before my eyes fer once. since i'm not a very pro-active organiser of events (too lazy to call pple and get arrangements done), i'd appreciate it very much if someone more capable took the task upon herself so tht fer once, things dont backfire again. its bin forever since i've celebrated halloween traditionally. dressing up is not so much the issue fer as is trick-or-treating. however, i s'pose since s'poreans are less acquainted wif the usual halloween activities, we'll jez hafta carry tht out on a small-scale basis and place more focus on our costume planning. time to shock the living daylights outta everyone tht catches sight of us. time to tk revenge on those gutless creatures hiding behind facades of bravery & exuding confidence (or over-confidance). time fer kohl eyes, powdered faces, freak fashion, greasy hair. every part of me's tingling wif delirium.
its sorta as if i'm a filial daughter-in-training. maybe its some kinda punishment fer being anythg but a gd daughter. wif my mom's temporary disability, i'm pretty much subjected to the role of her servant fer the next 3 weeks. its as tho i'm being put thru a preparation course to equip myself wif the skills & tolerance tht r required to look after someone entering the realms of old-age. its bin 4 weeks and its gettin to be a major pain in the ass.
funny how pple can spin absurd lil tales of their own, thinking they can get away wif it. turning a blind eye to all yer preposterous lies is jez my way of giving u some face wif regards to the entire thing. bet u'd be too red-faced to confess anyways. i'll still leave some room fer hopes of reconciliation tho.
okayy i've whined more than enough. sundays. thts wad sundays do to me.
the masochist gnarled at 10/19/2003 01:43:00 PM
Saturday, October 18, 2003
| The Big Five Personality Test |
| Extroverted | |||||||||||||||| | 64% |
| Introverted | |||||||||| | 36% |
| Friendly | |||||||||||||||| | 62% |
| Aggressive | |||||||||| | 38% |
| Orderly | |||||||||||||| | 58% |
| Disorderly | |||||||||||| | 42% |
| Relaxed | |||||||||||||| | 52% |
| Emotional | |||||||||||| | 48% |
| Intellectual | |||||||||||||||||| | 72% |
| Practical | |||||| | 28% |
Extroversion results were moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very reflective.
Friendliness results were moderately high which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun.
Emotional Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Intellectualness results were very high which suggests you are very creative, original, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Overall, you scored highest on Intellectualness and lowest on Emotional Stability.
the masochist gnarled at 10/18/2003 10:16:00 PM
// I know i can not see you
even if i wanted to
'cause your light is the light of ten sunsets
There go my eyes and burned blue and opened wide
___saves the day :: anywhere with you
the masochist gnarled at 10/18/2003 09:36:00 PM
*wonder where i stand in all of this.
missed out on a superb nite at SOS.
xiaohui >> happy birthday dude.
sorry i cldnt be dere. wuz in too much pain.
my whole bod's burnin.
next fri aight ? :)
*you need TO GET HER to be TOGETHER.
heh saw it on my msn contact list.
makes alotta sense.
its disturbin.
somtimes i think blogs can be such evil devices.
outlet fer releasin anger/frustration, yes.
but they really can cause alotta similar feelgs to others.
the whole thing's becomin a stalemate.
lets stop wastin ammunition on non-existant targets yeah.
*Dear God, please make it stop.
i'm hurtin everywhere.
my face feels like acid's bin poured on it.
all exaggerations spared.
i've really gone too far this time.
cant even slp at nite.
so this explains whye i cldnt be at SOS last nite aight everyone ? :)
it shld all be better by next fri.
hopefully by then, we'd all still haf the mood to hit MS.
results come out on wed.
best of luck to everyone. yes everyone.
*she called me wailin away this morn.
said she dreamt sumthg awful happened to me.
she wuz havin another nitemare.
dont be afraid darlin, nuthin will ever happen to me aight ?
i'll always be here to protect ya fer as long as we both shall live.
heh the silly gurl. thts my moonie fer ya.
woke me up frm my sweet slumber.
sorry i wuznt very comfortg, wuz half aslp.
-hugs-
best way to kill someone.
rat poisoning.
:)
yeahh bin thinkin abt it fer a longgggg time.
sorry i aint makin much sense.
accordg to fio, my brains're a lil fried.
suggested goin to the zoo today.
but the dear gurl thinks i've gone insane.
so much fer tryin to be a lil different !
i'm gettg sick of our usual routine.
town's the place we go to EVERY SINGLE DAY.
okayy and if u consider my situation,
tht is a FUCKIN bore !
mundane.
so PLEASE pple. be receptive to whacky suggestions.
wuz discussin wif the back row yest
abt doin a lil ice skatin today.
wonder how everyones feelin abt tht now.
shall start makin phone calls real soon.
*there are 3 piggies over at my mj room.
must now go attend to them.
a few fone calls & they'd make the place go bankrupt.
my hp's a lil cranky btw.
havent really bin receivin msges at all.
and if i have, they're comin in very late.
so tht explains the lack of responses.
chermy wormy >> wish u cldve joined us last nite.
get well soon aight ?
i wuz feelin feverish yest as well.
took a nice long nap wif cindx & gil.
heh cant wait to see ya !
aight tis a saturday.
time to go spend it wisely.
*cant hold us down.
the masochist gnarled at 10/18/2003 11:58:00 AM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
chermy says not to respond.
and yeah, i totally agree.
fuck all of you.
u'd hate to be me rite now.
i'm red as a coke can. a stop sign. whatever.
thanx fer turnin up ya'll.
:)
gil >> wish ya cldve bin there. missed ya lots.
next time we arrange it on a day tht yer completely free yeah ?
hmm.
everythg thts bin goin on.
leaves me feelin pretty helpless.
sometimes i really dont understand.
*she is my angel on earth.
she doesnt noe wad she means to me.
wont let any of you hurt her.
wish she knew how lucky she is cos shes got friends
and a great boyfriend who'd stick by her no matta wad.
she doesnt need any of you.
yeah u better start worryin cos i may jez be talkin abt u.
hey precious, if yer reading this,
i love you.
i really wonder.
whos gonna cry at my funeral ?
whos gonna pick me up when i fall.
whos gonna be there to stand up fer me when everyone else's on the opposition.
whos not gonna believe everythg "they" say.
whos gonna keep all my secrets.
whos gonna listen to all my crap.
who'll tk my shit & still love me, knowg tht, no one's perfect.
who's gonna trust in me jez as much as i trust in them.
whos gonna get bothered by my history & and think of me any different.
who'll be str8 wif me at all times & spare me the frontin.
i dont need u to solve all my problems.
i dont need u to sing my praises.
not askin ya to mend my shattered heart or patch up my fucked up life.
ya dont hafta go all out to show ya care either.
jez dont ever bring me cause to hurt,
and say its you who'll be the one.
and i swear i'll be the one to do all tht fer u.
wads it like to be truly happy ?
i wish i knew.
the closest i ever got wuz the day i found you.
the day i knew we'd be best friends to the very end.
and thts all i need to feel content.
*thanks fer bein my angel.
ya dont hafta talk everyday to feel close.
ya dont hafta spend every wakin moment tog
to noe tht the other party'll always be there.
well thts how i feel abt you.
(i seriously hope yer readg this cos u've complained i nv talk abt you -winks-)
on an entirely different note.
i'm sorry i cant please everybody.
as much as i wish i cld bring happiness to all.
i'm only human.
and i err like any other.
anyway, thts not my excuse.
its jez a plea fer u to understand.
gdnite grace.
gdnite friends.
gdnite "friends".
gdnite everyone else.
the masochist gnarled at 10/16/2003 11:36:00 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
**stop makin me sound like the fuckin victim.
thankyouverymuch.
almost died of hypothermia today.
fergot ta grab my sweater along this morn.
there were like icicles formin on my nose & fingers.
hehe. well maybe not quite.
well it wuz fuckin cold i tell ya.
reminder to self : it sure aint summertime in the audi. extension.
fri's technically the last day of promos.
well screw tht.
we're headin to sentosa tmr !
*jumps arnd ecstatically.
shall hope & pray fer gd weather.
bin dreamin of sunset bay day & nite way b4 promos even started.
cldnt possibly think of a betta way to celeb. the end of exams.
groovy babyy.
hope the flabs & bulges dont gross any of ya'll out tho.
-grin-
aight bimboticness aside.
today's bin relatively relaxin.
mainly cos theres no screwed up paper to study fer tmr.
not sure if i'm gonna make it.
but oh well, it wuz fun while it lasted i s'pose.
(jc life tht is)
reminisce fer a moment shall we.
no wait.
wads the point ?
oasis' "dont look back in anger" sorta starts playin in my head.
have u ever grabbed someone fer a hug & they sorta backed away.
or closed in fer a kiss, and get pushed aside instead.
or held someone's hand and all they wanted to do wuz let go.
hurt/humiliated/amused ?
beats me.
I HATE YOU. yet sometimes, yer a gd listener.
I WANNA STAB U. but u make me laugh.
I WISH U'D SHUT YER FUCKIN GAP. then again. its yer mouth.
*conflict of emotions eh ?
hypocrisy hypocrisy.
kinda interestg to sit back & watch
as the story unfolds before yer very eyes.
its like some indie flick where everyone's fucked up.
situation's all screwed arnd the wrong way.
then it either ends in bliss or bloodshed.
i'm sick of happy endings.
it'd be gd to draw a lil blood, dont ya think ?
energy shld not be wasted thinkin bout pple who dont exist.
"wad the hell're u talkin abt ?", u'd ask.
well i'd tell ya, " butt outta my business & go stick yer inquisitive ass elsewhere."
wish i cld say tht to everyone who'd ever crossed the line.
then tht thing abt pple havin feelings sorta comes rushin back.
humans do get hurt y'noe.
some more easily than others it seems.
maybe i'm jez a heartless cruel morbid creature.
sorta makes me think,
shld i spare em the pain ? or do em a favour & be blunt.
honesty's the best policy *note the repetition.
dont u wish u cld flush everythg down loo
and nv see the goddamn grotesque shit ever again.
hmmm first aid course is comin up next week.
jez imagine.
some pple out there're gonna be losin their furst kiss to some dummy.
kinda hilarious if ya think abt it.
if YOU're one of em,
heh gd luck to ya.
may wanna think abt gettin tht furst kiss given away soon to some other breathing creature yeah ?
:)
bleahhh.
*stop makin a mockery of the entire thing.
yer not writing a fuckin book y'noe.
aight thts it fer tonite.
gettg all cranky & shit.
gd luck to ya'll wif econs mcq tmr.
and to chermy/cindx/char/fio/gil >> cya tmr darlings.
those who havent confirmed or whatever,
guess theres bin a lil communication breakdown.
get it figured out & try to come aight.
:: goodbye to you.
goodbye to everythg i thot i knew. ::
the masochist gnarled at 10/14/2003 11:03:00 PM
You Are a Romantic Kiss!
You are an idealist, and unsurprisingly, you give the ideal kiss
Your kiss causes almost anyone to fall in love with you
And to be honest, you need to be falling a little to let your lips loose
No biggie… your kiss is worth the wait :-)
What Type of Kiss Are You?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
the masochist gnarled at 10/14/2003 10:45:00 PM
-----------------so baby wuz a shootin star.
she crawled into my heart--------------------------
but time revealed tht she wuz fadin out.
.:: ::.
the masochist gnarled at 10/14/2003 08:05:00 PM
*it feels like a sundayyy.
stuck arnd the hse today.
kinda regret not takin up some of those
invites to hit the streets.
LAZY once again.
the lethargy's all thanx to 3 lovelies
who spent the nite wif me.
sorry the plans pretty much crumbled darlings.
next time when i say we go to the beach,
we go str8 away aight ?
no more crap abt studyin
cos we'd end up not studyin a thing anyways !
*grrrs.
i miss seein blue stars.
havent bin to my special isolation corner fer a longgggg time.
its fuckin romantic & definitely a peaceful
environment fer long conversations.
bin wantin to tk you there fer a long time.
some day perhaps.
two more papers to go.
then i'm outta here !
heh well not quite. prolly might end up
takin supp. papers or sumthg.
wld really really abhor tht.
jez imagine. all tht time WASTED.
everythg's jez exploded into smithereens.
all my plans/hopes/dreams.
*if 1 more person asks me abt my exams/predicts my results fer me, i swear i will _______________________.
CCC >> sorry fer sighin/whinin/groanin excessively last nite.
heh & thanx cherms fer attemptin to help out.
seriously dont noe wad came over me.
guess it wuz a moment of pining.
*SIGH*
(heh cldnt resist. one last sigh fer ya'll !)
had loadsa fun babblin & pryin away last nite.
sharkie wuz groggy most of the time tho.
elmo wuz WAY too hyper. rollin in & outta the sheets.
wormy wuz gigglin to herself & tryin hard not ta fall off the bed.
-stares at charrrr-
and as fer me.
well i dont noe.
apparently elmo & wormy were eatg my hair half the time.
teehee.
:) time fer a haircut perhaps ?
spendg time wif pple u love is nv boring.
tho it may have bin uneventful in terms of agenda,
i enjoyed the laughs/wacky smses/divulgence of secrets.
*winks
not to mention all the eatg/gorging/complaints of how fat we are.
oh yeah & now i've got some explaining to do !
(CHERMYYY. now terence thinks ... ... ... well he thinks SUMTHG !)
*growl
*its times like these tht u wish exams ceased to exist.
we're gonna paint the town red on fri & sat nite !
-beams-
cant wait.
bin havin really weird dreams lately.
one of me in my grad dress prowling some strange hotel.
then another of me under a red skye in the wilderness.
and yet another of me as a flamingo.
haha yes if yer thinkin this doesnt make sense to u.
well it sure as hell doesnt to me either !
peculiar thots buried within my subconscience.
somehow i cant get christmas outta my head.
festive season started fer me WAY before december.
heh pity my classmates who've had to tolerate
all my singin of christmas caroles in class, etc.
i wuz at it again last nite !
it wuz prolly abt 2am, & everyone wuz fallin aslp
when i suddenly broke out in jingle bells & all tht jazz.
heh this time i had two loonies as backup singers tho.
-grin-
oh yes. and "Old Mcdonald" had new animals on his farm this time round.
-squeezes cherms & cindx in delirium-
sometimes its the conversation i miss.
then again, its the jokes.
sometimes its jez the company.
guess i brought it upon myself.
hmmm.
wads holdin me back ?
i seriously have no fuckin clue.
so many things i wish i cld say/do.
but the fear of humiliatg myself compels me to withhold my emotions.
i want fer too many things to happen.
yet i fail to pluck up the courage to get it started.
guess i betta do sumthg before things slip away again.
*promises are like pie crusts. easily made, easily broken.
the masochist gnarled at 10/14/2003 07:27:00 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
hmmm ... do i seem normal to u ?
the masochist gnarled at 10/12/2003 08:42:00 PM
aint got much time left.
but i'm in here anyways, same as always.
i'd much rather talk to to some lifeless object
than hafta stare s'more at rajoo's lect notes.
situation's easin up a lil (i think ?)
not quite sure how everyone feels.
thanx phebs fer the advice today.
its real good to have a neutral party at times like these.
makes me realise how totally retarded everythg is.
how retarded/fucked up i am.
kinda relieved/glad abt the lack of conversatn today.
'cept fer tht long drawn-out sms chat wif you.
made me think abt alotta things.
as much as i hope fer sumthg.
i noe its way too late to salvage anythg.
the differences seem to have multiplied
and the distance tht got wedged btw us
seems to have grown farther and farther apart.
do u possibly think it cld ever work ?
hmmm *ponder.
lets jez stay wad we r now. fer now.
either way, its still the same shit over n over again.
at least admit tht i did make sense.
whether we're on/off,
there isnt much diff considerg the amount of questng u do.
hmmm.
how does it feel to be ignored ?
cant quite proclaim tht its the best feelg in the world.
but i s'pose its got its merits.
*my lips are sealed.
wonder wad everyone's thinkin rite now.
wonder wad you're thinkin.
wonder wad life wld be like if we had the ability to turn back time.
un-do all the wrongs & fix up all those mistakes.
we'd be an inch closer to perfection.
but tht jez kills the fun of havin things screw up yeah ?
think i am havin a lil bit of sadistic fun outta all of this.
*but i definitely feel more fucked up. at least 90% of the time.
i'm jez an ungrateful lil brat.
i dont wanna think abt how things wld be
a month from now.
mainly cos i think things cld only get worse.
a lil event tht occurred lately sorta got me thinkin.
hmmm.
a clash of the titans.
*i wanna make you feel special.
in the meantime,
i'll make sentosa plans.
party like theres no tmr.
hang wif those i love to be wif.
do everythg u dont approve of.
reconcile wif the pple u hate.
act completely oblivious to yer existance.
since i "dont care".
::alone wif all my wrongs::
the masochist gnarled at 10/12/2003 08:14:00 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2003
*mar the ripper strikes again. thanx vic.
this is wad boredom does to me.
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
whenever the bloody alarm rings.
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS
PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
someone who doesnt eat much so i can have his/her share :) lets see, calista flockhart ?
3. GOLD OR SILVER?
silverrrrr.
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
secondhand lions.
5. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
hmm. tough one. ally mcbeal ?
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
ONE MEAL POLICY!!!!!
i can think of so many things. the one i nv get sick of >> scrambled eggs n sausages.
7. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
mmMmm. angelina jolie.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
nope.
9.WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
pple who have heart. "miles & miles of heart" (the replacements)
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
piggy ? glutton ? bottomless pit ? pinkpanther ? heh and the list goes on & on.
11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY?
beachhhhhh ! ahh yes. sentosa here i come.
12.SUMMER OR WINTER?
summerrrr.
13. YUM?
YUM YUM !
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
buttered. yummerz.
15. FAVOURITE CAR?
anythg tht gets me from A to B wifout fallin apart halfway. wif workin air condition & stereo system tht kicks ass.
16. FAVOURITE SANDWICH FILLING?
egg mayo.
17. FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC?
punk rock.
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE
arrogance.
20. FAVOURITE FLOWER?
sunflower. makes me smile :)
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW
LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO SPEND ALL?
deposit and let the interest accumulate then slowly spend. whoaa i cld wait forever sia.
22. DO YOU WEAR PYJAMAS?
not unless i'm at a slumber party. jez fer kicks :)
23. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
hazel brown ? i dont noe man.
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
dont own a key ring.
25 WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETIRE?
miami. hawaii. florida. mark the trend. wherever its summertime all year round and where there are sprawling beaches.
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
bin tryin since god noes when. i'm a failure.
27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturdayyy.
28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
Red. Blood red.
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
To east coast but it rained out. off ta town to tk pics & eat. then off to a lovely family dinner which my best friend attended as well. yummy yummy food -drools at the thot-
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
huh ? i guess not.
31.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Oxford Book of Gothic Tales.
32. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
aint got one. but so as not to be a spoilsport. i'd choose monopoly. tho i can get real frantic & emotional.
33. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?
zines are my life. i love all of em.
34. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
the natural scent of a special someone/yummy food/dew in the morning/rain/ernie.
35. COMFORT FOOD?
yoghurt.
36.FAVOURITE SOUND?
the sch bell tht signifies either break time or dismissal.
37. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
depressed.
38. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
needa pee needa pee.
39.FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
gosh. do i hafta choose only ONE ?
41. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF
MONEY,
i wld buy an island fer jez me and my significant other.
43. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
used to. till ernie ernest and whatever other stuffed animal got torn apart by rusty. cant tk anymore risks. they're all left on the shelf these days.
44. STORMS, COOL OR SCARY?
a lil bit of both.
47. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE
TIME,
i'd devote more of it to constructive activities. possibly travel the world.
48. DO YOU EAT STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
hey, its edible rite ?
49. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
light brown/red.
50. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
a monster.
the masochist gnarled at 10/11/2003 08:53:00 PM
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and
abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing
personality. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and
humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach
goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when
restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive
and easily hurt. Showing anger easily. Dislike
unnecessary things. Loves making friends but
rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves
entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift. Learns to show emotions
***hmmm. comments anyone ? :)
the masochist gnarled at 10/11/2003 06:32:00 PM
lets jez say tht
the root of the entire problem
fer me wuz definitely the arrogance.
has always been.
not sure how all the "backstabbin" and etc evolved.
guess it all jez exploded frm one
tiny lil issue.
not entirely sure where to start
in pickin up all the broken pieces
since everythg's bin blown outta proportion.
arrogance has always irked me.
even the slightest & most minuscule drop of it.
maybe i shdlve stuck to cutting off all communication
like i did way back
instead of resort to alternative methods to
relieve the irritation.
as u can see, i'm quite lost in this swirling pool of
lies/deception/betrayal/frustration/whatever.
sounds like the plot of a fuckin lit book if u ask me.
as i've said before,
i wont apologise to anyone till i genuinely mean it.
so tht when its uttered from my lips,
u can be assured tht i'm truly remorseful.
it tks forever to build up meaningful friendships.
and only a split second to destroy em.
u gotta admit, ours wuz indeed a very complicated one.
juxtaposition of love/liking & friendship is virtually impossible.
think i've gone thru enough to safely stand by
tht statement wholeheartedly.
history's really getting to me.
or cld it be the major events occurring at this pt in time
tht are preventg me from concentrating.
rongers has her contact match goin on rite abt now.
havent bin to a match since the one between s'pore & m'sia
havent even seen rongers play contact rugby before.
shld be interestg *muffled laffter :)
cant imagine the bear gettg trampled, etc.
hope she gets outta it in one piece.
tht gurl's got moxie.
i'm real proud of you -beams-
(congrats on yer B+)
i'm pretty baffled by how things've turned out the way they have.
(okayy maybe not baffled, cos frankly, i did see it comin)
possibly more of taken aback back the severity of the resulting consequences.
i really hate this.
to the fucking core.
the entire atmosphere. the thot of it. the very sound of words exchanged tht r in relation to it.
makes my insides corrode.
solitude : the best policy.
rongerssees my solitude as an act of running away.
my escape frm the problems & misery.
im fully aware tht i can run but i cant hide.
and i cant run forever.
its jez "time out" fer me to reflect/heal/repent.
not some sorta strategic escape plan.
basically, the more time i spend in interaction wif the situation,
the worse it becomes.
and i dont want it to get any worse.
but possibly better ?
gonna head back to church real soon.
sundays shldnt be "lazy sundays" anymore.
where i wake up at odd hrs wif half my day gone to waste.
slumber's meant fer the dark hours.
lets try to keep tht in mind shall we ? :)
i'm sure we all noe tht "no one's perfect".
now lets try to apply tht to the shit tht
comes out from our lil lives, okayy ?
(no sarcasm intended in these rhetorical questns.
i'm basically jez talkin to myself)
sometimes i dont noe how i wind myself up in such fucked up messes.
entangled in a web of i-dont-noe-what.
oh well.
lets jez hope fer the best.
pray fer forgiveness (from Him, not anyone else as of yet).
by the way.
i think friendster's a fucked up network.
makes me uneasy bein connected to the whole goddamn world.
but due to the significant amounts of beautiful pple
u can get access to in there,
maybe i'll stick arnd a while more and
allow my eyes to feast.
:)
sure beats starin at rajoo's bloody hist notes from wed-sun.
okayyy.
the lovely vic sab vern and grace are out rite now.
i'd give anythg to be wif them.
arghs. of all things i'm held back by history & potential tenants of my apartment.
hope the pretties are havin a wonderful time catchin up.
will join u guys real soon (my exam ends on thursday !)
wow this entry's bin long-winded as hell.
where do i come up wif all these nonsensical things to say ?
i really do not noe.
those 24hrs have helped a whole lot.
i'm numbed by the effects tho.
tis better than wad i felt before.
*a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
the masochist gnarled at 10/11/2003 04:40:00 PM
::contradiction fills my world.
guess u got wad u were aimin fer.
altho i wont publicly admit it.
only time will tell wad is to become of all this.
shit always happens all at once.
i noe i've said this a coupla times before.
well the repetition's jez to reinforce the
deep well of truth tht it holds.
i've had just abt enough of wads goin on.
funny how carelessness wif yer fone's keypads
can lead to very undesirable effects ?
distractions distractions.
butter fingers.
2 very upset pple.
there u have it.
i'm not even gonna explain myself.
sometimes, the only person u can depend on is yerself.
i've experienced tht moment of solitude before.
not entirely the most wonderful experience.
but thts only in the short run.
the after-effects make u really grateful tht
u had tht lil bit of time to yerself.
makes u understand yer mistakes
and teaches u nv to let em repeat ever again.
abuse of one's authority is despicable.
cant even begin to describe the amount of irritation
tht reverberates within me.
all tht's sorta tinged wif fear as well.
jez glad i dint start cryin like a baby.
all i cld do wuz bite my lip fer fear tht the
rebel within me wld tk charge and get us into further shit.
my impulsiveness has landed me into really sticky situations before.
hope everythg's gonna be okayy.
if not, argh fuck it lah.
i dont feel so upset anymore.
if only the emotions wldnt overflow at times like these.
lil things can incense really huge reactions on my part.
i'm capable of makin a mountain outta a molehill.
i'm sure vickerrss can vouch fer tht
since he's always tellin me to "relax lahh. get so worked up fer wad ?"
heh
thts jez me.
a replica of my mother.
i jez wanna be at the beach rite now.
jez me, the crashing waves, the big "lightbulb" moon,
lil crabs sprawled along the road, campers & whatever else.
sometimes isolation's the best policy.
gd to get away frm the negative vibes tht
fill yer surroundings.
like i said before,
i dont bear grudges if only u'd give me time off to dispose of them.
i jez wanna crawl into a big black hole in the ground rite now.
elmo >> thanx fer callin up at tht very moment of anxiety/fear/helplessness.
i feel slightly better now bout tht fucked up incident.
but now tht u've voiced yer personal feelings regardg the lil dispute.
it sorta stirs up some unsettling emotions within me.
its too late fer me to deal wif all of this.
i jez wish time cld heal every wound.
but the scars tht r left behind will be in place forever.
hamster >> thanx fer the invitation :)
u noe i'm always here. i noe i've said it a million times.
but its so u noe tht the promise still stands.
i'm not one of yer friends who're gonna disappear jez cos
we dont talk every bloody day.
the masochist gnarled at 10/11/2003 02:42:00 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
definitely made the right choice
goin to the beach tonite instead of
blowin 6 n a half bucks on some crumby movie.
:)
aight. spent most of the day stoned.
fuck history lah. fuck rajoo.
went on a mini shoppin spree & reserved loadsa
pretty lil things tht i cant wait to pick up !
-beams-
wait till i get my hands on daddy's credit card.
hurhurs.
(which will be like never)
cindy the lil elmo and jacq came over to
heeren graffiti cafe to meet me afta their movie.
(*grrrrs CINDY)
had loadsa fun chit chattin & laughin like hyenas.
heh thanx fer spicin up the dreary study session u guys :)
made a few interestg revelations abt cindy's
jio-ing tactics.
tsk tsk. talk abt cheesy pick up lines.
-huge monkey grin-
hehe
anyhows.
todays bin absolutely wonderful.
tho i havent covered shit fer my upcoming hist exam.
arghs. fuck it.
it wuz all worth it.
i LOVE the beach.
the most perfect place to talk & destress.
gd exercise too :)
fer a fatty like me.
some friendships jez dont deserve to be salvaged.
(right jacq ?)
i guess sometimes pple jez tk it fer granted
tht frens will always be there.
and u can turn into absolute monsters
and yet still feel assured tht yer frens will love u no matta wad.
i'm not sayin frenship's not all abt acceptance n tolerance.
but theres a limit to everythg.
once u cross the line, theres jez no turning back.
loadsa unnecessary tension's brewin.
i jez wish tht at crucial moments like these,
pple wld jez maintain some form of composure.
i understand the misery from gettin dissed.
and i've relished in the moments of bitchin.
all part & parcel of livin the fucked up life
of a fucked up teenager
wif fucked up friends and fucked up judgement.
u have no fuckin clue.
my latest discovery :
depth of thought does not signify maturity.
my perceptions must be off again.
*lets play pretend.
we're livin in our fantasy world where
kelsey doesnt exist.
where the sight of spots doesnt induce us
to barf & lose consciousness.
where we dont feel like we're in a
fuckin gurls' sch all the time where bitchin is rampant.
immense irony.
(*winks to those who understand.
to those who dont.
i hope it "gets on yer fuckin nerves")
aight.
i've decided not to care anymore.
from tonite onwards
i'm not gonna let anythg associated wif you get to me.
i wont cringe at the sight of yer name
when i get an sms frm u/when i see u online/when i see u in person.
nope.
i've had my fill of frustration followed by much-needed stress-relief.
:)
cant even begin to imagine the amount of my
precious energy and time u've taken up.
all of it spent on bein upset over u.
jez stop antagonizing the ones who mean the world to me.
sometimes an unexpected call/sms
can leave u feelin heavenly sublime.
even if its from someone u see all the time
but hardly talk to on the fone/online/thru sms.
(okayy i can think of ONE exception)
thanx cindy :)
the masochist gnarled at 10/10/2003 12:53:00 AM
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
lets not talk abt lit today.
=X
bought myself a new shirt frm topman.
woohoo~
time to start splurgin :)
the worst part is, my atm (mom)
is currently immobile.
who's gonna provide the moolah
fer my extravagance ?!
aight.
the past 3 days of exams has taken
its toll on my wavering health.
bein surrounded by VERY ill pple of late
has also served to increase the risks
of me fallin sick too.
tht time of the month's here.
plus i've got a REALLY sore left eye.
and my nose's leakin like a fuckin tap.
*groan
bin thinkin a lot bout suicide lately.
well i've always bin intrigued by the whole affair.
but recently the interest seems
to have grown quite a fair bit.
definitely not suicidal or anythg.
it jez interests me greatly to noe
where i'll end up once the angel of death comes fer me.
(yes, dramatic i noe)
fer all the things i've done,
i jez pray i dont end up in the firey realms of hell.
hmmm.
i predict my hols are gonna get fucked up somehow.
i jez hope tht its not cos i hafta
spend it studyin and takin supplementary papers.
a whole loada fun tht wld be.
*grrrs.
ironic how i wuz lookin forward to the hols
jez a day or two ago.
:(
i sense impending doom.
i wanna travel the world.
visit italy. spain. miami ! woohoo~
wonder where the hell i'm gonna find the cash
to do all tht.
it cracks me up how i can make so many bloody plans
and somehow always end up stayin holed up in s'pore.
maybe if i cld tk a couple of frens wif me
it'd be less of a heartache to leave.
any takers ? :)
wanted to list a couple of pple who've
become an extremely impt part of my life.
in order to show my appreciation fer their
endless support/encouragement/love/care/concern.
but i've decided not to fer fear of
misunderstandgs and missin out on anyone.
jez wanna thank cindy char chermy n fio tho.
the gurlies i spend most of my daylight hrs wif (oh nite time too :))
thanx fer puttin up wif my complaints
and contributing too :)
i'm glad i'm not sufferg alone.
exam stress busters*
aight.
imagine all the peace i'd have.
arghs. i'm on a murderous streak as well.
*stab stab stab.
i really feel.
tht honesty.
is the best
policy
after all.
u noe how sometimes
pple start to annoy u wif all the lil things tht they do
tht seem to accumulate and accumulate.
then u start gettg fuckin annoyed
and u jez wanna drive a stake thru their heart ?
well yeah.
i'm not sure if i make my irritation obvious enough.
but its times like these u shld really jez
stay the fuck away frm me n leamme alone
so all the irritation can evaporate.
and then i can go back to bein myself again.
everyone's bound to be irritating/irritated at some pt of time.
i noe i'm a helluva pain in the ass 3/4 of the time.
if i try to tone it down a lil.
cld u do the same too ?
okayy not sure if any of tht sounds reasonable.
but i sure as hell hope tht u get the pt.
and i'm sorry if i've offended anyone.
oh yes and if the vagueness here drives u insane.
trust me.
i'm savin u the embarrassment aight.
sigh its a bad bad bad day.
BAD.
well now its worse cos i've fallen ill.
i'm the grouch of the century.
:: woe is me ::
the masochist gnarled at 10/08/2003 10:01:00 PM
Monday, October 06, 2003
images of me as a j1 again next yr
looms before my very eyes.
pisses me off tht i cldve saved time
studyin 2 topics instead of 3 fer hist today.
*grrrrs.
bloody jy -arghs-
think i screwed some of it up tho.
shall keep my fingers crossed -XX-
now tht hist's over
the stress seems to have evaporated.
it wuz jez abt the only subject i wuz worried abt.
not tht i'm any gd at econs or lit.
:(
bummer.
wuz nice seein some pple at sch today.
-winks at char & chermy-
heh nv fails to brighten up our days yes ?
-beams-
all tim can talk abt is who's gonna leave us next yr.
sheeshers !
as if the tension/frustration/stress/uncertainty
isnt overwhelming enough.
merging wif another class is definitely not sumthg
i'm gonna be lookin forward to.
cant imagine the perioders bein incomplete.
even clara renjun n terence r impt to me.
:(
gosh all these fucked up thots.
imagine the sch shrinking in size !
esp wif the j2s gone next yr.
not very excited abt the influx of j1s next yr.
grrrs.
it jez kills me how pple can be so ignorant.
insensitive.
false facades of insecurity.
guess we'll jez hafta wait and see yes ?
:)
i thot i wuz the only one who thot too much.
guess i wuz wrong.
some things are beyond the limits of my abilities.
i cant always be dere.
but when i am, i'll try to be dere there 100%.
jez becos we hardly see each other
doesnt mean yer not on my mind.
yer condition worries me.
i fear fer yer safety/health when yer outta my sight.
*pls get well soon [[fer the shark]]
ramble ramble ramble.
contemplatg if i shld make back-up plans
in case some devastatg results crop up.
its hard to cast such foolish fears aside.
then again, where wld i be wifout the period ?
:)
wonder how vickie's doin.
the lil pookie's got lit today.
i'm sure the smartie will be able to bullshit her way to an "A".
-grin-
*glad i got ta see ya on sat nite dearie.
tho it wuz only fer not more than a split second.
we need a bitches outing some time soon yeah ? :)
hope saby gracie n vern r doin alrite.
u guys noe tht i'll always be here if ya'll
need someone to talk to and destress yeah.
*graciee >> thanx fer the ring -hugs-
jez noeing yer there puts a smile on my face.
my best friend's the sweetest gurl alive, i swear.
aight thts it fer now.
no time fer dreamy reminiscence.
cant quite say fer sure how i'm feelin now.
but i'm certain bout one thing.
im a lucky gurl.
period.
>>Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Digging holes
the masochist gnarled at 10/06/2003 01:25:00 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
i dont noe how pple r gonna understand me
when 3/4 of the time, i dont understand myself.
my distaste fer nosey pple is perpetuated
by yer very existence.
interestg to note how i can still be in here
whining my sorry life away when my history
paper's in ten hrs
of which i will spend 8 sleeping.
plus, i dont remem shit.
*exams really noe how to fuck up yer life.
i've come to the conclusion tht
i cant live wif her. and i cant live wifout her.
the reasons jez seem to cross each other out.
they all result in the same fucked up mess.
so my best solution
is to ________.
(go figure)
i havent seen sunset bay in months.
its bin eons since
i've done anythg i really enjoyed.
talked to someone & felt i've actually learnt sumthg frm the entire exchange.
bin to a place so beautiful tht my worries are absorbed into the surroundgs.
done sumthg worthy of praise & admiration.
bin there fer every single person who needs/needed me.
u noe how sometimes u and another person
jez sit next to each other in total silence
and yet not feel the least bit bored.
its a moment u cant get wif jez anybody.
these days its jez awkward silences.
anyhow.
abt time i hit the sack.
pray tht i dont oversleep.
and tht i dont sleep durin the course of the paper.
like i often do :)
the masochist gnarled at 10/05/2003 10:05:00 PM
Saturday, October 04, 2003
i love thee.
i love but thee.
with a love tht will not die.
till the sun grows cold.
and stars grow old.
the masochist gnarled at 10/04/2003 03:42:00 PM
the masochist gnarled at 10/04/2003 03:38:00 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
its bin some time since i wuz in here :)
okayy maybe its only bin a couple of days.
but it feels like forever.
the past few days have flown by ever so quickly.
and here i am
left wif 2 pathetic days to get all tht studyin done.
i'm a goner fer sure.
:(
aight anyhows.
to all the taggerz >> thanx fer taggin
and spicin up the bloggie while i wuz "away"
very entertaining -grin-
hmm quite glad tht some things haf bin resolved.
however, i'd be really grateful if i dint hafta
have explanations fer every fuckin thing i say or do.
this is fer all of u.
annoyed as hell at havin my words n behaviour
misinterpreted and etc. etc.
lks like i hafta be more careful
even wif you.
not even gonna bother clarifyg things this time.
too damn exhausted.
aight anyhows.
some grinding thots haf bin infiltratg my mind.
not a very gd time fer all this crap.
but i s'pose its inevitable yeah ?
things nv ever happen at the "rite time".
when the hell is the rite time anyhows ?
shit jez comes all at once and tks u unguarded.
grrrrs.
*time spent tog. is not always time well spent.
yes. perioders can nv seem to concentrate when theyre tog.
:)
tho i'm not complaining lah.
indulged in a couple meaningful conversatns
in the past couple of days.
it tks a lot fer some to open up & divulge their innermost feelgs/thots.
tks a lot to trust someone enough to tell em too.
(trust will be an issue tht'll haunt me forever)
altho i cant always make things betta & aid in healin yer pain.
i hope tht somehow i've managed to lighten yer burdens.
or even offered advice ?
or jez bin a listeng ear fer u to bullshit/crap/crack jokes to :)
i find it immensely difficult to make my frustratns known at times.
(aight i noe alotta ya'll feel the same way too)
it fuckin hurts to keep it all inside
and watch things go on
lettin it all inflict acidburns on my heart.
(totally dramatic eh ? -grin-)
oh well. its gd to watch n observe fer extended periods of time.
after all, it'd help a whole lot in the long run.
fuckin promos r in 2 days
and here i am talkin abt all these trivial matters.
i seriously must be trippin.
guess it jez helps out a lot in reducin the stress/tension.
*overload.
shitloads to study.
too many questns left unanswered.
too many questns. fullstop.
wayy too many unnecessary thots floatg arnd in my head.
too much of nuthg.
loadsa time spent on useless endeavours
and pointless conversations.
time fer me to evacuate frm comfort zone.
its bin a longgggggggggggg time.
well i consider 2 mths long :)
i s'pose its an achievement somehow ?
tho i'm not quite sure wad the eventual result will be.
i jez hope things work out.
cos if one more thing goes wrong, i swear i will seriously lose it.
funny how the last person u wanna talk to
is always the furst to attempt initiatg some sorta conversatn wif u ?
some things i find so hard to comprehend.
i jez wish everythg cld be far less complicated.
if only hatred cld cease to exist altogether.
then so wld hypocrisy. jealousy. rage.
*i wish fer too much.
wish i cld turn back the hands of time.
but this time, i'm certain tht i've done
everythg i possibly cldve done to achieve
some sorta acceptable result.
all i can do now is hope n pray.
speakg of which, its bin some time since i've prayed.
used to think it helped a WHOLE lot.
now its too inconsistent to hope fer anythg.
*if only i were less pessimistic.
but i cant risk havin things screw up.
there're wayy too many things at stake rite now.
too much to lose.
and i cant bear to _____________________.
(fill in the blanks smartie pants)
aight once again i've yakked too damn much fer my own gd.
wonder if anyone else gets bombarded wif questns the way i am
when i go all vague & ambiguous here.
to those of u who do, i understand yer agony.
to those who are culprits of constant invasions of privacy,
piss off.
:) g'nite everyone.
the masochist gnarled at 10/03/2003 11:17:00 PM